Warning: Way Too Much TMI Ahead

SO - I took the breastfeeding class on Saturday and it was GREAT. Despite my thinking my Hardee's breakfast would be the highlight of an otherwise lame day filled with no new information, b.f. guilt, "there's only one way to do this right" commentary, no pacifier lectures and the like ... what I got instead was a pleasant, entertaining and even funny instructor who told us right off the bat she didn't think "Formula" was a dirty word and she also didn't believe all the stuff we'd hear in the official video. Hallelujah, right then my ears were opened.

(And I'm trying to figure out how I can "book" her to be my lactation consultant when I'm in the hospital. There are three at my hospital. Last time I got The Other Two. Never even saw this lady, who, by the end of class, literally could do no wrong by Mike and I. Do you think a 20 spot might do it?)

So, at the class I learned some new things; some stuff that reinforced my friends' experiences and advice; and some stuff I technically learned the first time (yes, in my five day b.f. experience) but had kinda forgotten.

And - big news - I learned I might have (wait for it) not quite the normal, er, don't make me type it ... (nipples) ... and that might have helped make Matthew's and my attempt more challenging last time. I won't bore you with the various remedies but the good news is, there are some.

I WILL impress you (or gross you out?) with how I learned this: when this topic of, umm, nipples came up, she mentioned the varieties you can have and how she is surprised so often when women deliver, that their OB hadn't already helped them out a bit by diagnosing what type they had, so those of us with flat (or the really tricky inverted, thankfully, not me) ones can know you might need extra help.

Anyway, she basically offered to tell us right there if we'd be willing to give her a peep show out in the secluded hallway after the class. And by God, I let her. As I told EEJ, that's just how desparate I was.

See, when I had Matthew, as several of you know, there was this lactation Nazi that completely freaked me the f*** out about b.f.'ing about one hour before we were leaving the hospital. Amidst riding my ass for buying the wrong nursing bras (underwire and also, not having a sleep bra ... WTF, they don't teach you this in college, lady), for having supplemented with formula in the hospital (the nurses practically SHOVED it at us and I didn't know better than to accept it), for not having taken a b.f. class, and for not having brought my pump to the hospital ... well, somehow I started tuning her out. Go figure.

But I do believe somewhere in there the phrase "flat nipples" was mentioned. Naturally everything she said to me went out the window once I mentally deemed her a big old B but that had kinda stuck with me that maybe I was a little, well, not quite the norm.

Anyway, when this TOTAL STRANGER Sat. was nice and funny and made this offer, well, I figured I was there to learn how to make b.f.'ing work right? So I let her inspect me. In less than 2 seconds (one per boob, thank you) she informs me that might have been a big part of the challenge last time.

Now - the other challenges of course was not reading a book or taking a class or really, you know, "preparing" at all. I'm sure they say on page one DON'T GIVE THE BABY FORMULA IN THE HOSPITAL but I'm more of a learn as I go person sometimes and I just figured that would be the case here. So I made mistakes.

I also assumed it would painful, but also all natural and easy. Which was a big joke because it was SO not natural feeling for me at all.

And also let's be honest -another challenge was me sort of being a quitter and not persevering and just in my heart, not being really dedicated.

But dammit, it DID seem harder for me than it has for some of my friends. Now I KNOW that when it REALLY gets hard is weeks and months later .. the times you want to quit but somehow push yourself to keep going, or struggle with that decision. It's the hard stuff I never even got to and frankly, had already planned, I might not make it past. But I had always plannned that I'd at least get a few weeks in, then make my decision. And dear readers, many of you seemed able to "just do it" in that first two weeks ... and that was never us, and now I feel a bit better knowing at least one reason why maybe wasn't my fault. Given that as you can see above, I've got a litany of reasons it IS my fault, engraved on the brain.

So armed with nipple shields and pre-pumping strategies and the like (I promise, I'll end it there) I am feeling more confident, more prepared, more determined, and just, well, not quite so guilty. And as you mommies know, that guilt is often way more than half the battle.