A Fresh Start

It's obviously been far too long since I've blogged. I'll have to catch up on Christmas, Thanksgiving ... just about all the good stuff of the last couple months ... as I can. But in the name of the new year and making a fresh start, I wanted to just get back on the horse and post.

And thought this was a good a topic as any: I'm going to stop breastfeeding Rachel, probably tomorrow.

I've been able to feed her myself once, maybe twice, a day since I returned to work. I've been able to pump once or twice a day at work and maybe another time at home. The result is I've kept her on about at least 50/50 formula/breast milk combo or better the last 4 months.

It's been nice for my sanity returning to work. I never found it missing with Matthew, but it has helped me feel a close tie to her even after returning to work. It's also been helpful for weight loss (until the holidays hit, that is. But lactation can only do so much against 1,000 Christmas colored M&Ms.) AND it's saved us money. Yesterday at Sam's, Mike was like, "Hey, didn't we spend more on formula for Matthew?" And I'm like, "Uh, gee, yes, because I wasn't killing myself squeezing my boobs at work once or twice a day at work for a 'break' while my coworkers are at Starbucks." (Postscript: We left the store with giant vat of the Sam's brand, at 40% less than brand name. The doc and a couple good friends gave it the green light, so why would I pay more?)

But honestly, I'm not complaining about the pumping ... it's just, my body is. Basically, my boobs are telling me we're done. My pumping schedule's never been stellar since I was never fully committed to a certain length of time. Six months for at least some nursing was a loose goal, nothing more. Then over the holidays, surprisingly when I technically HAD more time (off work for two weeks) life and family and kid care taking and well, just relaxing, got in the way, pumping and nursing sloughed off, formula ramped up ... and here we are, with me not even making enough for a full feeding for her anymore.

Yep, it DOES feel sad. I mean, this morning took 45 minutes (because she's getting more alert, and plays around) and after all that we STILL had to feed her a small formula bottle because the poor thing was screaming when she should be sleeping, and then we realized she was still really hungry.

So I know it's time. And it'll make my life a bit easier, I know. But tonight as I washed some of my pump bottles for maybe the last time, and pulled the empty milk storage container out of the freezer, I wondered, do I do this one last time tomorrow? Or was this morning's rather unceremonious last time, it?

I'm not sure, but like everything else with this breastfeeding odyssey, and me, and Rachel, we'll just play it by ear, and see how we feel, tomorrow.