Outtee 5000

Although I am still HERE here, I am now outtee from work. Today was my last day in the office before my leave, which I've opted to start just one day early tomorrow.

I still don't really believe it. That I'm not driving there tomorrow, having cup after cup of bad decaf coffee, ticking down the assignment list, cranking through my deadlines.

nd of course, to compensate for that, I've already promised on my day off, to touch base with someone handling my assignments ... mind you, this was my idea, not hers.

Why can't I let go? Oh yeah, because that's not the type of person that works where I work :)

Seriously, I have mixed emotions. You'd think I'd be elated for a break and I supposed I am/will be when baby girl is coming home in my arms. But tonight, I feel like, "How can I leave work? How do I deserve to just 'disappear' for 12 weeks? This is borderline irresponsible."

Sick, sick, I know. But it's mainly because I know my being gone means increased work stress and hours for my colleagues. It means someone might not immediately know exactly what to do when the client calls like I do (well, like I do most of the time anyway). I truly love the folks I work with and do NOT want to overburden them or stress them out.

Yet another part of me knows, I cannot control this. I am having a baby and this is just THIS part of my life during this one (in reality, relatively short) 12 week time period. Usually and for years to come, I am/will be there and dedicated. Though it'll mean them carrying the water for a while, I know I'd and will gladly do the same in my future there.

And I know that it's borderline workaholic to be worrying about this 2 days before birth. When I should be worried about how something the size of a watermelon is going to make it's way out of
me. In less than 48 hours (God willing). AHHHHHH!

But there you have it. This blog ain't called Deadlines and Naptimes for no reason. I DO worry, a lot, about work. In fact when people ask me if I'm ready for the baby, I usually start answering in terms of transition plans and to do lists, when I think that maybe what they actually mean, do you have all the pink stuff setup in the room?

Oh, THAT? That's been done, or done enough (second time mamas don't sweat the details). But my transition plan and to do list? Well, that's another story. It feels like there could NEVER be enough time to settle that exactly as I'd like it.

I know I've trained my counterparts as best I can, and documented everything in my brain in a Word doc. I pushed hard on final projects last week. AND have offered many, many times that I can be available for questions. That I'm not dying, I'm just, you know, not there.

But I still can't help feeling like, have I done enough to warrant the privilege of being gone for 12 weeks?

And then I recognize that I'm bordering on the Crazies again by not just letting go, getting into baby mode - and acknowledging that it'll all go on without me, and it'll get done.

I think I will get there. Maybe just, not tonight, my first night after my last day. Or maybe not until I have a little pink squealing bundle of neediness to distract me.

Because for me, the only thing to delete one set of obsessive worries, is adding another.