Well Let's Just See

I'm doing piles of work, Mike's scrambling in the other room to do our taxes on April 14th, and Rachel went to bed without a bottle tonight after fighting us on it for over an house.

What kind of sleep do YOU think we're going to get tonight?

And you can't say "A big pile of #$%!" no fair, cheating, that's too easy!

Answers may be:
a) Some
b) Sketchy amounts
c) Minimal, irritating to coworkers in the morning amounts
d) Tired, killing rampage tomorrow amounts

Stay tuned tomorrow for the answer!

p.s. Rachel, my little overachiever, c'mon - go for the "A"!

p.s.s. You can easily do good billing reports while watching American Idol. And yes, I DO love you, Kutey Pie Kris!

News Flashes I Have Deprived You Of Lately

I am working a LOT.

Rachel learned to sit up last Monday night, 5 days before her 6 month birthday, and 1 day after we took photos in which sitting up would have been extremely helpful. Now here she is just one week later, moving from very wobbly to just moderately so. It's almost to the point where I could leave her sit and run out of the room without fear she's tip backward and brain herself. I could not be more damn proud.

Meanwhile, Matthew's maybe missing me a bit, either that or hitting terrible 3's early. He's on a terribly frustrating downward bedtime spiral, right at the time Rachel's fine-a-leeeee back to sleeping through the night and going to bed easily. Take 20 minutes to wrestle him in bed, and at least 45 minutes to keep him there. Last night I heard the last remants of him reciting his "Cars" book to himself in bed, well into the 10pm hour. Then we had a couple night time wake-ups involving yelling, tears and tucking back in at the 3am and 5am hours.

Send toddler drugging pills, please.

I am counting the minutes to vacation.
I am stressed.
But Mike is keeping the trains on the tracks at home, thank God.

That's all I got. Just ... wish me luck with returning to regularly scheduled posting/sleeping/breathing, soon.

Secret in My Pocket

Despite the well balanced work/life balance I've got going on in my new blog header, I am missing my baby girl a little this week.

I barely saw her Thursday and not much the nights prior. Last weekend was busy, for whatever reason, so it was more about hustling than cuddling.

Also, she's fighting a bad case of "sniffles" this week. But those "sniffles" are keeping her up, making her grouchy, uncomfortable, and all around, a needy little soul. A little soul I've not been able to attend to as much as I'd want. Or take to the doc myself or ... sigh.

I haven't complained much about this topic yet, right? So I'm entitled, a little?

Am planning to to make up for lost time this weekend. But given my state of mind ... I know you'll agree it's not weird at ALL that I've taken to secretly carrying her pacifer around in my coat pocket.

Hump Day Indeed

You know when you're having a super busy week and you don't know if you're wishing it away (weekend) or to drag out (deadlines)?

That is my day, week, hour. Wish me luck surviving Hump Day and beyond. And wish me many cocktails on Friday night.

Buy Their Stock Now

What is going on with me and my coworkers and Starbucks? Since I went on maternity leave it's become MANDATORY that someone's going on a morning and an afternoon run.

Not only is this expensive, but it takes time away from doing your actual work, so you can finish and leave at night. But yet, we go. We all go.

What sort of liquid crack are they putting in there? I mean, the festive red holiday cups are cute and the coffee tastes good but that cannot be the end of it.

Some ambitious young crack (no pun intended) reporter needs to get inside their operation stat and figure out how they're suckering us all in (God love ya Starbucks, but you're killing my checking account) before I spend another $4.04 on hot water and beans!

Manic Monday? Not Really

I was initially scared about Big Monday (aka the first one since I started back). But, today was terrific. With Libby our sitter coming to our house on Mondays, it was positively luxurious getting up at 6:10, having breakfast/coffee, feeding Rachel, pumping, AND having time for getting dressed/showered/packed, and still get to work on time.

Notice what's missing: flinging everything together for their day, then flinging kids at Libby and her car to go to the other kids' house.

We are lucky, I know. But it's probably good I have to do it 2-3 days a week the other way, to keep me on my toes.

The Back to Work Post

This post is way too long but I haven't posted in a while so I'm entitled. You're welcome to skim ...

I've been such a bad blogger, there's so much back log from Rachel, my leave, Halloween (oh God, Halloween alone!) But it's now late November, so I figure this is a good place to start fresh.

Wednesday was my first day back at work. It was hectic getting ready the day before. Instead of being relaxing kid time like maybe it should have been, I insisted on having everything lined up for the kids (and me) the night before like when you're a kid before school: my outfits, their outfits, their bags, stash of stuff to take to the other place where they're watched part of the week. Alarm clock set extra early. Every piece of plastic bottle paraphernalia washed scrubbed and ready to roll.

When Libby came for the kiddos in the morning, I suspect she thought me slightly, er, over prepared. But here's the thing: what I couldn't spend in physical time with my babies, I would now spend in overcompensating to make sure "everything was perfect" and prepared.

The actual separation was fine. Well, I mean, of course, you know ... a few tears were shed the day before actually, when I realized at certain moments, oh, this is my last time putting Rachel down to sleep for her morning nap on a Tuesday. Or when Matthew clung to me, mistakenly thinking this was the day I was leaving him, telling me, Mommy, I want mommy. Which he NEVER does ... like ever ... until that damn day. Of course.

So the actual morning, I did squeak out a few more tears after they'd left with Libby. I was pretty stereotypical actually, shooing my husband away, No no, I'm fine, but wanting to cry in private. Then picking up her soft little yellow burp cloth off the floor and holding it, Oh God, it smells like her ... and now she's gone, my baby's gone ... the one I haven't been apart from for more than 3 hours since she's been born ... she's gone.

Then I shook it off, remembered she was four miles away and I'd see her at 6!

OK. It wasn't quite that easy. It was a giant personal event. But ... My coworkers welcomed me back to warmly and kindly, I must admit I was touched, and that it helped. Also, I really did have this a-ha moment of, I will see these kids again tonight! They're mine, after work, mine again!

Granted, I'm a bit in the "just block it out and deal" category currently. But you know what? That's healthier than the "wallow in it constantly" approach after having Matthew. Which pretty much left me depressed, uncertain and, well, devastated about my choices.

How am I still his mom? How can even dream of doing this? I feel like I'm breaking the law leaving my baby.

In short ... felt very sad for a long time. And of course, guilty with a capital I AM HORRIBLE MOM.

But now, I'm having new thoughts. Such as, Matthew's a wonderful little boy and someday soon Rachel will be just as much of wonderful little girl.

I'm also thinking, when I leave them each day, they're cared for by others (sitter and Daddy) but when I come home that night, I am their Mom and always there for them and they will always know it and I will make DAMN sure of that.

I'm thinking, I'll wake them up and tuck them in every day (well, those I don't travel...which aren't too often...KNOCK ON GIANT PIECE OF HUGE HEAVY WOOD). I'll feed them and wash them and cuddle them and read to them and ... well, mom it up. Just less than I did on my leave.

But mostly, I'm thinking about how lucky I am to have childcare where I know they are safe and secure and loved all day long. (Really, Libby, this is what keeps me sane.)

The truth is, my first week back went perfectly. But I also know that's almost not reality, which is the grind of the coming weeks, of learning how to balance your basically all new life and demands. But now I know my key is to not think about what I'm missing or what's challenging ... just focus on systems at home and work that allow the most productive, successful use of my time.

And when I'm done, go home, turn it off, unwind with my kids and dinner and maybe a TV show or blog post. And let the dishes go unwashed and the errand go unrun. I simply must let stuff go ... it's so cliche for us ladies (no matter your work status) but I mean, the things I stress about? Really? It DOES NOT MATTER to Rachel's well being if her clothes are perfectly folded up in her drawers. Only that they're clean. And even then, well ...

Overall standby statement: I'm "okay" with this transition. I love my colleagues, I like earning money and providing what my kids need from that regard, and most days, I overall like my work. (Note: This may sound less than effusive, but in my book, unless I am creator, painter, designer, life savor (insert work passion here), work's work. That said, this by far the best job I've had, I'm not going anywhere, and I'm thankful for it.)

But the other truth is ... I'm pretty exhausted. The last five days, Mike and I averaged 4-5 hours of sleep a night; we've all developed colds; and I've fallen behind on all in boxes etc.

I'm not sure why. I certainly didn't have loads of sleep or free time on my leave. And it's not like it wasn't stressful with both kids at home; on many days, it felt way more challenging to me than my hardest work day.

But it was a different stress, all focused on us, our house, my kids. Now I'm back to juggling us with ... them. Other needs. Those outside our four walls. And it's tricky.

I'll get it down. But in this transition period ... if I'm a little cranky or raggedy looking or tired or frumpy or stinky or slow moving or ... go easy on me. Maybe I haven't quite showered today. Maybe my daughter looked extra adorable as I had to hand her off that morning. Or maybe I didn't have time to go get that Venti Starbucks that basically kept my blood pumping through my body this first week back.

Outtee 5000

Although I am still HERE here, I am now outtee from work. Today was my last day in the office before my leave, which I've opted to start just one day early tomorrow.

I still don't really believe it. That I'm not driving there tomorrow, having cup after cup of bad decaf coffee, ticking down the assignment list, cranking through my deadlines.

nd of course, to compensate for that, I've already promised on my day off, to touch base with someone handling my assignments ... mind you, this was my idea, not hers.

Why can't I let go? Oh yeah, because that's not the type of person that works where I work :)

Seriously, I have mixed emotions. You'd think I'd be elated for a break and I supposed I am/will be when baby girl is coming home in my arms. But tonight, I feel like, "How can I leave work? How do I deserve to just 'disappear' for 12 weeks? This is borderline irresponsible."

Sick, sick, I know. But it's mainly because I know my being gone means increased work stress and hours for my colleagues. It means someone might not immediately know exactly what to do when the client calls like I do (well, like I do most of the time anyway). I truly love the folks I work with and do NOT want to overburden them or stress them out.

Yet another part of me knows, I cannot control this. I am having a baby and this is just THIS part of my life during this one (in reality, relatively short) 12 week time period. Usually and for years to come, I am/will be there and dedicated. Though it'll mean them carrying the water for a while, I know I'd and will gladly do the same in my future there.

And I know that it's borderline workaholic to be worrying about this 2 days before birth. When I should be worried about how something the size of a watermelon is going to make it's way out of
me. In less than 48 hours (God willing). AHHHHHH!

But there you have it. This blog ain't called Deadlines and Naptimes for no reason. I DO worry, a lot, about work. In fact when people ask me if I'm ready for the baby, I usually start answering in terms of transition plans and to do lists, when I think that maybe what they actually mean, do you have all the pink stuff setup in the room?

Oh, THAT? That's been done, or done enough (second time mamas don't sweat the details). But my transition plan and to do list? Well, that's another story. It feels like there could NEVER be enough time to settle that exactly as I'd like it.

I know I've trained my counterparts as best I can, and documented everything in my brain in a Word doc. I pushed hard on final projects last week. AND have offered many, many times that I can be available for questions. That I'm not dying, I'm just, you know, not there.

But I still can't help feeling like, have I done enough to warrant the privilege of being gone for 12 weeks?

And then I recognize that I'm bordering on the Crazies again by not just letting go, getting into baby mode - and acknowledging that it'll all go on without me, and it'll get done.

I think I will get there. Maybe just, not tonight, my first night after my last day. Or maybe not until I have a little pink squealing bundle of neediness to distract me.

Because for me, the only thing to delete one set of obsessive worries, is adding another.

Day One Down

Today was my first day as a pregnant working mommy. And it was fine - good even.

Very busy with a major project that actually forced me to cancel my last 2 1/2 planned vacation days (actually they're just postponed, thank goodness). But we made good progress. It was very quiet because it's the week between holidays. We all wore jeans. And my phone didn't ring.

So all in all, baby #2 is breaking me in easy.

How I'm feeling today:
Somewhat nauseous this morning
Tired now but not exhausted
Happy - really happy - and excited
Fat - already gained 3 lbs - damn Christmas ____ (fill in the blank foods: rolls, cookies, chocolate, potatoes and wine ... well I mean, who knew?!?)

I'm going to get my HCG levels test tomorrow. Getting up at crack of dawn to do that before also needing to go to work early for said big project. But don't care, don't care ... it's to confirm this pregnancy's going well. I'll know by Friday. I can't wait to hear all is well.