Day 2

I'm posting two days in a row. Hooray!

I have eaten appropriate quantities of non-grease laden, candy-coated, chocolate-drizzled foods for two days in a row. (Tip: I'm dieting fo' real like one billion other people this time of year.) Yippee!!

I also have not pumped for two days now and WHOOOOPPPPPEEE that's the big one. It freed up at least an hour if not more of my day today, between the before work and during work ones I skipped.

Instead I used that time to catch up with co workers about holidays, and grab a coffee. SO productive, right? But it's those 45 minute snatches that stole my limited amount of "me" time.

And, when I don't apply that 45 minutes to a lunch or break at work (and most times I don't) I could sort of transfer it to the night times ... and most of that I used for blogging. Which I've missed.

And not just posting. Though I'm behind - my God, I'm behind and you people are probably just lost aren't you? I know. But seriously, I've missed the reading and commenting. I'm completely behind on the lives of the friends - and total strangers - that I follow online, and I miss it.

So the pump's down, the laptop's up, and I'm sure my viewing public is grateful. Right?

(By the way, I assure you the posts will become increasingly less about my boobs or what comes out of them. Another fringe benefit for you, my dear readers.)

A Fresh Start

It's obviously been far too long since I've blogged. I'll have to catch up on Christmas, Thanksgiving ... just about all the good stuff of the last couple months ... as I can. But in the name of the new year and making a fresh start, I wanted to just get back on the horse and post.

And thought this was a good a topic as any: I'm going to stop breastfeeding Rachel, probably tomorrow.

I've been able to feed her myself once, maybe twice, a day since I returned to work. I've been able to pump once or twice a day at work and maybe another time at home. The result is I've kept her on about at least 50/50 formula/breast milk combo or better the last 4 months.

It's been nice for my sanity returning to work. I never found it missing with Matthew, but it has helped me feel a close tie to her even after returning to work. It's also been helpful for weight loss (until the holidays hit, that is. But lactation can only do so much against 1,000 Christmas colored M&Ms.) AND it's saved us money. Yesterday at Sam's, Mike was like, "Hey, didn't we spend more on formula for Matthew?" And I'm like, "Uh, gee, yes, because I wasn't killing myself squeezing my boobs at work once or twice a day at work for a 'break' while my coworkers are at Starbucks." (Postscript: We left the store with giant vat of the Sam's brand, at 40% less than brand name. The doc and a couple good friends gave it the green light, so why would I pay more?)

But honestly, I'm not complaining about the pumping ... it's just, my body is. Basically, my boobs are telling me we're done. My pumping schedule's never been stellar since I was never fully committed to a certain length of time. Six months for at least some nursing was a loose goal, nothing more. Then over the holidays, surprisingly when I technically HAD more time (off work for two weeks) life and family and kid care taking and well, just relaxing, got in the way, pumping and nursing sloughed off, formula ramped up ... and here we are, with me not even making enough for a full feeding for her anymore.

Yep, it DOES feel sad. I mean, this morning took 45 minutes (because she's getting more alert, and plays around) and after all that we STILL had to feed her a small formula bottle because the poor thing was screaming when she should be sleeping, and then we realized she was still really hungry.

So I know it's time. And it'll make my life a bit easier, I know. But tonight as I washed some of my pump bottles for maybe the last time, and pulled the empty milk storage container out of the freezer, I wondered, do I do this one last time tomorrow? Or was this morning's rather unceremonious last time, it?

I'm not sure, but like everything else with this breastfeeding odyssey, and me, and Rachel, we'll just play it by ear, and see how we feel, tomorrow.

I've Turned the Corner

Week six accomplishment: Me and the Boppy pillow are finally friends. It's supporting Rachel without her rolling and slumping all over like she does with my pillow system. It's quicker than my 2 pillow system. And I'm better able to reach the laptop.

The key is sitting cross legged. Which I realize they do in all the Bobby ads. Even the smiling bottle feeding Dad is cross legged, not just sitting with it on his lap. Duh.

Warning: Way Too Much TMI Ahead

SO - I took the breastfeeding class on Saturday and it was GREAT. Despite my thinking my Hardee's breakfast would be the highlight of an otherwise lame day filled with no new information, b.f. guilt, "there's only one way to do this right" commentary, no pacifier lectures and the like ... what I got instead was a pleasant, entertaining and even funny instructor who told us right off the bat she didn't think "Formula" was a dirty word and she also didn't believe all the stuff we'd hear in the official video. Hallelujah, right then my ears were opened.

(And I'm trying to figure out how I can "book" her to be my lactation consultant when I'm in the hospital. There are three at my hospital. Last time I got The Other Two. Never even saw this lady, who, by the end of class, literally could do no wrong by Mike and I. Do you think a 20 spot might do it?)

So, at the class I learned some new things; some stuff that reinforced my friends' experiences and advice; and some stuff I technically learned the first time (yes, in my five day b.f. experience) but had kinda forgotten.

And - big news - I learned I might have (wait for it) not quite the normal, er, don't make me type it ... (nipples) ... and that might have helped make Matthew's and my attempt more challenging last time. I won't bore you with the various remedies but the good news is, there are some.

I WILL impress you (or gross you out?) with how I learned this: when this topic of, umm, nipples came up, she mentioned the varieties you can have and how she is surprised so often when women deliver, that their OB hadn't already helped them out a bit by diagnosing what type they had, so those of us with flat (or the really tricky inverted, thankfully, not me) ones can know you might need extra help.

Anyway, she basically offered to tell us right there if we'd be willing to give her a peep show out in the secluded hallway after the class. And by God, I let her. As I told EEJ, that's just how desparate I was.

See, when I had Matthew, as several of you know, there was this lactation Nazi that completely freaked me the f*** out about b.f.'ing about one hour before we were leaving the hospital. Amidst riding my ass for buying the wrong nursing bras (underwire and also, not having a sleep bra ... WTF, they don't teach you this in college, lady), for having supplemented with formula in the hospital (the nurses practically SHOVED it at us and I didn't know better than to accept it), for not having taken a b.f. class, and for not having brought my pump to the hospital ... well, somehow I started tuning her out. Go figure.

But I do believe somewhere in there the phrase "flat nipples" was mentioned. Naturally everything she said to me went out the window once I mentally deemed her a big old B but that had kinda stuck with me that maybe I was a little, well, not quite the norm.

Anyway, when this TOTAL STRANGER Sat. was nice and funny and made this offer, well, I figured I was there to learn how to make b.f.'ing work right? So I let her inspect me. In less than 2 seconds (one per boob, thank you) she informs me that might have been a big part of the challenge last time.

Now - the other challenges of course was not reading a book or taking a class or really, you know, "preparing" at all. I'm sure they say on page one DON'T GIVE THE BABY FORMULA IN THE HOSPITAL but I'm more of a learn as I go person sometimes and I just figured that would be the case here. So I made mistakes.

I also assumed it would painful, but also all natural and easy. Which was a big joke because it was SO not natural feeling for me at all.

And also let's be honest -another challenge was me sort of being a quitter and not persevering and just in my heart, not being really dedicated.

But dammit, it DID seem harder for me than it has for some of my friends. Now I KNOW that when it REALLY gets hard is weeks and months later .. the times you want to quit but somehow push yourself to keep going, or struggle with that decision. It's the hard stuff I never even got to and frankly, had already planned, I might not make it past. But I had always plannned that I'd at least get a few weeks in, then make my decision. And dear readers, many of you seemed able to "just do it" in that first two weeks ... and that was never us, and now I feel a bit better knowing at least one reason why maybe wasn't my fault. Given that as you can see above, I've got a litany of reasons it IS my fault, engraved on the brain.

So armed with nipple shields and pre-pumping strategies and the like (I promise, I'll end it there) I am feeling more confident, more prepared, more determined, and just, well, not quite so guilty. And as you mommies know, that guilt is often way more than half the battle.