Secret in My Pocket

Despite the well balanced work/life balance I've got going on in my new blog header, I am missing my baby girl a little this week.

I barely saw her Thursday and not much the nights prior. Last weekend was busy, for whatever reason, so it was more about hustling than cuddling.

Also, she's fighting a bad case of "sniffles" this week. But those "sniffles" are keeping her up, making her grouchy, uncomfortable, and all around, a needy little soul. A little soul I've not been able to attend to as much as I'd want. Or take to the doc myself or ... sigh.

I haven't complained much about this topic yet, right? So I'm entitled, a little?

Am planning to to make up for lost time this weekend. But given my state of mind ... I know you'll agree it's not weird at ALL that I've taken to secretly carrying her pacifer around in my coat pocket.

When It Snows in St. Louis

Yeah, I know you STLers probably all saw this already on the news. But maybe you out of staters need to appreciate the sports fever we still have in this town even in the dead of winter. Well, people other than me, of course. I hate baseball ... :)

Give It Up for the Left Brainers

Can I get a whoop whoop for my pal Erin who redesigned my entire web site for me? Just because she CAN and is GOOD and ENJOYS it?

I'm sure I would enjoy it too, if I had the faintest idea how to use PhotoShop. Or pick a matching color palette. Or, you know, just have a creative vision of any sort.

Okay, I'm not THAT bad. And, I have learned over the years to appreciate that "creativity" in my field (communications) means more than just the visual side of the work. For instance, I can creatively manipulate a too-short-to-complete-the-project timeline into something workable. I can creatively figure out how to tap the right people, at the right times, at the right order, to get the job done. I can turn not much meaty content, into a snazzy newsletter or intranet article.

I can even IDENTIFY good creative when I see it, or know how to edit something bad into good. (I know, probably your worst nightmare right? A non-creative who "likes to edit.")

But editing is just SO different than looking at a blank page and having that vision, and also the courage, to pick up the pen, mouse or what have you to make something happen, out of nothing.

I've gotten to work with some really creative people in the last year ... people at work that just, can see, what they want something to be like. And I've got Erin and some other friends that have their own businesses based graphic design - web, print, clothing and gifts. (Small plug: see bottom right nav for some of said ladies' really awesome web stores.)

And I gotta admit, I'm a little jealous.

Because you can learn to write, you can learn to project manage, you can learn to pitch and proofread and prepare budgets. But you can't learn to be a left brainer.

(CAN you, Mr. President?)

And we love ya for it!

Growing Pains, Take Two

I'm pulling out all of Rachel's old newborn and 0 to 3 month clothes to give to a friend's new baby. My BFF's little brother just had a new baby girl.

Her momma just had her at midnight last night. I'm not usually so on top of favors like this - everything's bagged up and sorted by size in the front room. But it's just that I have SO many tiny perfect and barely worn little things. Outfits and p.j.'s that only a brand new baby can fit, I want to hand them over right away.

New Mom and Dad will probably think I'm nuts when I try to stalk them down IN the hospital to hand them over. After all, this is a "friend of a friend" type relationship.

But I know what they don't: that Baby Gap newborn clothes are a gift from above for tiny (she's 6 lb 5 oz just like my Matthew was) little babies. And that she will look more precious than they could have ever dreamed in the teeny little pink polka dotted onesie and pants, a hot pink romper, or an angel soft pink striped sweet pea gown.

And that she may only fit them for about 2 or 3 weeks before they find themselves fruitlessly stuffing her into them, hoping she'll still fit, but then sadly realizing she's already graduated into the 0 to 3's. That's when they'll realize that even though she's still tiny, and right there with them, she's already growing up and away.

Yes, I know this is mushy with a capital M but ... who of you parents HASN'T felt that pang of sadness when the clothes don't fit. When they want to hold their own bottle. When they crawl away for the first time. Even though I know better, I look at Rachel all the time and think: Stop. Slow down, baby. Just stay the way you are a little longer.

With Matthew, I couldn't wait for him to do new things and prove to me he was healthy and track. But I was also sad to leave the last stage. What I didn't realize for a long time is that cliche is true: the best age really is whatever age your kids are at right now ... and that it really does just keep getting better.

So with Rachel, I'm much more aware of what fun lies ahead. That only as she grows up do I truly get to know and love her fully. But it's still confusing because since she might be my last experience with a baby, I want her to slow it down. And, she's my baby girl. (I don't know why, but that makes me want her stay tiny even more. Can it really be as simple as the tiny dresses and shoes???)

Also with Rachel, I find myself hurrying her in some ways (she plays independently a lot on the floor) but holding her back in others (starting her on rice cereal later than my son). Mainly I am just hyper aware that every day, for better or worse, she's one step further away from being that brand new person I met five months ago. That literal bundle of joy I couldn't believe I was finally holding after 10 long months.

And one step closer to being that sturdy, funny, lovable but oh so mobile and independant toddler that is my second child.

So in honor of new baby girls - and growing babies everywhere - here's how far my own little lady has come:

At two days old, getting her first photos. See how little she was next to daddy's finger? Aug. 29, 2008

Later that day, going for her first car ride home, to see her house for the first time ... you get the idea.

Fast forward four and a half months ... eating rice cereal for the first time. Jan. 17, 2009

Rachel, in less than half a year you've learned to hold your head up and get up on your elbows. Coo then smile then laugh then scream with joy. Roll over (at least once!) Notice when your bottle's coming. Sleep during the night and play by yourself with your toys (at least for a little while!) during the day.

You're our sweet precious girl and I know Randy and Melissa's new baby will bring the same joy to them. Congratulations, Smith family!

Good Thing I'm a Little Lazy and Clueless

Whenever my kiddos were sick, someone invariably tells me to rub Vick's VapoRub on their chest. They assume since I'm a mom that I have some.

I always play along because I want them to think I do. Because that would make me a proper mom. You know, with medical stuff stocked carefully and readily available in our medicine cabinets like neosporin, and cartoon band-aids, and wraps, and children's cold medicine.

But I'm always living I lie. I have hardly any of this stuff. Okay, I've got lots of crusty, crystallized infant Tylenol drops ... but those are probably 2 1/2 years old from Matthew!

I do also have the toddler cold medicine ... the stuff you aren't/are in moderation/AREN'T EVER (??!?!?!?!) supposed to give little kids. And any of it I DO have is never where I think it is so I always end up buying more, then finding the half empty old one the next day.

I think I have neosporin but you know what? I don't even know yet what cuts and scrapes quality for that. He's had a few, but I've never used it once. I DID finally get him Thomas-themed Band-Aids in his stocking. But arguably this is, of course, the LEAST necessary of any items I've mentioned ...

So I guess I don't really know the "mom rules" about first aid, even though that was one of my mom's best areas (okay, she's a nurse). I'm hoping this knowledge magically kicks in at some point, because I know when I was seven, my mom knew EVERYTHING about making me better.

Anyway, apparently like many things in life ... procrastinate long enough and it's no longer a problem. Because - just like it's cherry-flavored toddler cold medicine cousin before it - Vick's is now out.

Tag Nag

Ok. OKAY. Not only am I gonna play the Facebook tag game. But the one zillionith mention of FB has just made me setup my damn profile. Happy? There goes the remaining tiny amount of sleep I was getting!

And, here goes my "25 fascinating things about me" list - sleep deprived style...


1) I was born in New Zealand, and had dual citizenship until I was 18. Yet I have only seen those N.Z. family members three times (Grama) once (uncle) and nonce (uncle, Grampa who passed away). It never seemed weird growing up.

2) I was a national merit scholar, I had a good GPA, I was a good test taker ... and I'm still childishly proud of all that.

3) I'd bite my nails any time - in public, business meetings, probably a job interview.

4) I rarely lie, I've never shoplifted and I don't cheat. I am a girl scout.

5) I have the biggest feet of any girl I know - 10's (probably more if I let 'em). Also I've never owned boots, ever, because of a lil thing I call cankles.

6) I get jealous of friendships easily, but I'm not competitive with my girlfriends in other areas of life because I think someone else being strong does not make me weak.

8) My parents told me once I should be a stand up comic and while I laughed, I secretly believed that was my calling.

9) Having my son shook my whole life to the core where I feel embarrassed that I had so much trouble returning to work compared to other moms I know.

10) I loved Laura Ingalls books to death and reread them for years. I had very serious feelings for the TV "Almanzo."

11) I second guess my decisions constantly.

12) I realize exactly how loud I talk yet most times I just forget (too bad for you, Lisa W, with the whole shared wall and all).

13) Sometimes when I appear unsympathetic, it's really because I'm so upset or emotional about what you're telling me that I don't know what to do for you so I turn kind of, well, off.

14) My husband has a nickname for me that is too embarrassing to tell anyone much less post here...yet I know he genuinely thinks of it as a term of endearment.

15) I love biscuits and gravy like, crazy love.

16) I question liberalism, but could not ever be a conservative.

17) I've been to Rio de Janeiro and while cool, eh, I'd rather do a Destin condo with beer, cooler, babies and friends.

18) I am not certain yet or not if I'm doing now what I'll do for the rest of my career - but for the first time I like my job and that feels like a miracle.

19) I can do a decent impersonation of a lot of people. Maybe YOU.

20) Running a half marathon and getting my MBA are two goals for my 40s.

21) I am closer to my friends than most of my family and yes, that bothers me sometimes.

22) I have an awful throw up reflex. If I do it once, forget it - it'll be 20 times until I'm about dead. New Year's was ... unpleasant.

23) I boss my husband around in public, but his opinion carries the most weight on many many decisions around our house.

24) I draw well - give me a B&W photo of your kid, I'll draw him up good.

25) I am apparently not self aware because I'm having a VERY hard time with this list.

Out of the Mouths of ...

I don't think I share enough with you all how damn funny my kid is lately.

Me (changing his diaper): Okay, we're going to do this and then read books and go night night.

Him: You have GOT to be kidding me.

Me: Um, what?

Him: You ARE kidding me!

Me: (laughing at this new expression that I'd never heard before and wondering where it came from...)

Him (appreciating me laughing): NO PROBLEM! NOOOOO problem.

Me: (lauging even harder because, is he just tossing our terms now?)

Him: (catching on to what's making me laugh): Oh, it's not a BIG deal...

Me: (OMG laughing ... he IS just rolodexing through catchphrases he hears us say)

Him: Mom, it IS a big deal! It IS.

Me: (Yep, and that certainly sounds like one of mine ...)

So, I don't if this translates a funny, but just picture a Yakov Smirnov type character trying out American phrases randomly and inappropriately.

Now picture that coming out of my sweet chubby faced 2 year old, grinning with glee at making tears come out of his momma's eyes.

At this age they so often say stuff, that is just ... so damn funny ... you can't help wanting to share. But then I get busy. About 10 times a day, I wish for a new mobile device that could translate the words from his mouth, to Twitter or blog. Now THAT's a mobile device I REALLY need.

So, Blackberry and iPhone techno geeks ... you want the mommy bloggers to buy? Consider the "instant toddler translator" app.

Hump Day Indeed

You know when you're having a super busy week and you don't know if you're wishing it away (weekend) or to drag out (deadlines)?

That is my day, week, hour. Wish me luck surviving Hump Day and beyond. And wish me many cocktails on Friday night.

Day 2

I'm posting two days in a row. Hooray!

I have eaten appropriate quantities of non-grease laden, candy-coated, chocolate-drizzled foods for two days in a row. (Tip: I'm dieting fo' real like one billion other people this time of year.) Yippee!!

I also have not pumped for two days now and WHOOOOPPPPPEEE that's the big one. It freed up at least an hour if not more of my day today, between the before work and during work ones I skipped.

Instead I used that time to catch up with co workers about holidays, and grab a coffee. SO productive, right? But it's those 45 minute snatches that stole my limited amount of "me" time.

And, when I don't apply that 45 minutes to a lunch or break at work (and most times I don't) I could sort of transfer it to the night times ... and most of that I used for blogging. Which I've missed.

And not just posting. Though I'm behind - my God, I'm behind and you people are probably just lost aren't you? I know. But seriously, I've missed the reading and commenting. I'm completely behind on the lives of the friends - and total strangers - that I follow online, and I miss it.

So the pump's down, the laptop's up, and I'm sure my viewing public is grateful. Right?

(By the way, I assure you the posts will become increasingly less about my boobs or what comes out of them. Another fringe benefit for you, my dear readers.)

A Fresh Start

It's obviously been far too long since I've blogged. I'll have to catch up on Christmas, Thanksgiving ... just about all the good stuff of the last couple months ... as I can. But in the name of the new year and making a fresh start, I wanted to just get back on the horse and post.

And thought this was a good a topic as any: I'm going to stop breastfeeding Rachel, probably tomorrow.

I've been able to feed her myself once, maybe twice, a day since I returned to work. I've been able to pump once or twice a day at work and maybe another time at home. The result is I've kept her on about at least 50/50 formula/breast milk combo or better the last 4 months.

It's been nice for my sanity returning to work. I never found it missing with Matthew, but it has helped me feel a close tie to her even after returning to work. It's also been helpful for weight loss (until the holidays hit, that is. But lactation can only do so much against 1,000 Christmas colored M&Ms.) AND it's saved us money. Yesterday at Sam's, Mike was like, "Hey, didn't we spend more on formula for Matthew?" And I'm like, "Uh, gee, yes, because I wasn't killing myself squeezing my boobs at work once or twice a day at work for a 'break' while my coworkers are at Starbucks." (Postscript: We left the store with giant vat of the Sam's brand, at 40% less than brand name. The doc and a couple good friends gave it the green light, so why would I pay more?)

But honestly, I'm not complaining about the pumping ... it's just, my body is. Basically, my boobs are telling me we're done. My pumping schedule's never been stellar since I was never fully committed to a certain length of time. Six months for at least some nursing was a loose goal, nothing more. Then over the holidays, surprisingly when I technically HAD more time (off work for two weeks) life and family and kid care taking and well, just relaxing, got in the way, pumping and nursing sloughed off, formula ramped up ... and here we are, with me not even making enough for a full feeding for her anymore.

Yep, it DOES feel sad. I mean, this morning took 45 minutes (because she's getting more alert, and plays around) and after all that we STILL had to feed her a small formula bottle because the poor thing was screaming when she should be sleeping, and then we realized she was still really hungry.

So I know it's time. And it'll make my life a bit easier, I know. But tonight as I washed some of my pump bottles for maybe the last time, and pulled the empty milk storage container out of the freezer, I wondered, do I do this one last time tomorrow? Or was this morning's rather unceremonious last time, it?

I'm not sure, but like everything else with this breastfeeding odyssey, and me, and Rachel, we'll just play it by ear, and see how we feel, tomorrow.